I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
