I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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