I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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