i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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