Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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