Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
