i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
