I'm pants shitting drunk right now
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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