Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
