sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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