Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
