her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
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