She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
