I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
