sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
