matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
