Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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