someone threw a dead crab at me
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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