Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
