You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
