So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
