i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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