i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
