It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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