youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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