I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
