check it out our google latitudes are spooning
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
