I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Randomize
