Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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