I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
