i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Randomize
