never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I wish there were birth control emojis
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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