this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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