Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
