Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
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