a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
