my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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