made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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