Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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