....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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