Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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