do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
