where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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