I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
