went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
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nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
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He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
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