great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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