Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
