it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I fill condoms, not promises.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
