I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I fill condoms, not promises.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
