If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
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