the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
