Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize