Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
