My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
