All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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