Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
