fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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